Lauschke Consulting

The following is a random list of quotes or brief dialogues that I find witty, funny, ridiculous, or otherwise poignant. I have made separate pages for quotes from Michael Connelly novels, Ann Coulter, the Colbert Report, and the Remington Steele TV series from 1980s.

He was American, a beefy, red-faced fellow built like a footballer, with longish hair and wire-frame glasses that did not suit his thick features. He looked like a pig trying to appear scholarly.
   Michael Crichton, "A State of Fear", p. 5, 2004

O'Hare Ground: "Lufthansa 430, turn left on Alpha, then right on Bravo".
LH430: "left on Alpha, then right on Bravo".
... after a while:
O'Hare Ground: "Lufthansa 430, do you have cameras in the cockpit, ... want to make sure you stay on the centerline"
LH430: "yes we do"
O'Hare Ground: "... thought you might!"
   Overheard on Dec 30, 2008

Minneapolis Center: Do you have time to give a brief explanation on what happened?
NorthWest 188: Ah we're just dealing with some company issues and that's all I can tell you right now at this time.
   Oct 21st, 2009

Imagination is more important than knowledge
   Albert Einstein, 1928

We're fishermen, we know that only dead fish go with the flow!
   Sarah Palin, when announcing her resignation

Only dead fish swim with the tide.
   Scottish proverb

Then in the summer time, such extreme summer time, about 150 degrees hotter than just some months ago, then just some months from now, with firey blooming along the frost heaves and merciless rivers that are rushing and carving and reminding us that here mother nature wins. It is as throughout all Alaska that big, wild, good life teeming along the road that is North to the future.
   Sarah Palin, excerpt from her resignation speech

Bartender: Avec glace? Avec glace?
Doyle: Gimme glass, yeah!
   The French Connection II, 1974

When I joined Deutsche Bank, I had 2 million Deutsche Mark as salary. If I had a comparable salary today, people would no longer respect me. People would say: "He has no market value".
   Deutsche Bank CEO Josef Ackermann, DIE ZEIT, Nr. 22, May 24, 2007.

Colonnel Tahlvik is married with two children.
   Ransom, 1975 (US Title: The Terrorists)

Every nation now has a decision to make: either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists.
   George Bush, Jr.

Let us never tolerate outrageous conspiracy theories concerning the attacks of Sep 11. Malicious lies that attempt to shift the blame away from the terrorists themselves, away from the guilty.
   George Bush, Jr.

... we have had such terrible loss of life, and the smartest thing to do is to pull it. And then they made the decision to pull it. And then we watched the building collapse.
   Larry Silverstein, lease holder of the WTC, about Building 7, recounting a phone call from the NYFD, in a PBS interview

I know that the Yemen thing complicates the war on terror, but on the plus side, going to war is really the only way we Americans learn about geography.
   Jon Stewart, The Daily Show, Jan 6, 2010

Don't ruin my whiskey with ice, I am not a bloody American!
   Higgins, in Magnum, PI, Dec 11, 1980

Jon Stewart: By the way, in case you are wondering why the underwear bomber in Detroit counts as terrorist attack against Obama, but the shoe bomber doesn't count against Bush ...  (now showing a clip from O'Reilly Factor on FOX News):
Monica Crawley, Ph.D.: President Bush and Vice President Cheney had a 100% perfect track record in keeping the homeland safe from a terrorist attack. So far this year we have had numerous attacks ...
Bill O'Reilly (interrupts her): What about the shoe bomber?
Monica Crawley, Ph.D.: That was nothing in the United States. It was not a domestic terror attack. I mean, it was meant to be, but it was stopped by the folks on the plane.
   Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

The Kennedy legacy goes down to a naked guy who owns a truck?
   Jon Stewart, The Daily Show, Jan 18, 2010

And I can tell you there are at least two dogs who are very happy about tonight's results ... cause we are home with them! With them!
   Martha Coakley, Jan 19, 2010

Charles Barkley: And look at this lady right here. Stand up, darling! Look at you! You are pretty in a kinda Jewish way. (lady replies "Thanks!") You look like a nice girl, but you're a freak, arntcha? (lady replies "No!") Oh, come on, you're a freak. I have been in the NBA a long time, I know a freaky white girl when I see her.
   Charles Barkley, Saturday Night Live, NBC, Jan 9, 2010

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke was named Time Magazine's 2009 person of the year, which I believe is proof that we have officially run out of persons.
   Seth Meyers, in: Saturday Night Live

I see what the problem is. You thought you could win us over with rational policy decisions and even temperment? You still don't know what makes us tick, do you? (...) President Obama, you still think you can win over detractors through sound rational policy? Were you following the campaign?
   Jon Stewart, in: The Daily Show, Jan 21, 2010

Home in Alabama is an act of Promethean intoxication.
   Mary Williams, on DVD commentary of "To Kill a Mockingbird"

Our society is totally different from what it was in the 30s, when this book happened. Families don't interact together in the same way. Television, video games drag kids away from the families. You are never gonna get this "Let's all sit at the dinner table every night and let's talk about how you did at school today." Kids are not interested in that anymore. And we have given them permission not to be interested in that anymore. Our culture has given them that permission. I mean, how many smart math kids do you see on TV? All of them."
   Pillip Alford., actor of Jem in "To Kill a Mockingbird", on DVD commentary

That is a lot of numbers. I should close my eyes and pretend you are Asian -- but not sexy Asian, math Asian!
   Wyatt Cenac, in: The Daily Show, Jan 28, 2010

We have to replace the discredited president ... Oh no, I meant: We have to replace the discredited welfare system ...
   Richard Nixon in his State of the Union Address 1974 (a few months before being impeached)

This week Apple released a thing that does stuff that its other stuff already does.
   Seth Meyers, in: Saturday Night Live, Jan 30, 2010

Have you ever met a Tyranian doctor, M. Poirot? The limit of their skill is determining the fitness of an ox to pull a cart.
   Daphne Castle, in: Evil under the Sun, 1982

Women fight like tigers when they lose their husbands.
   Daphne Castle, in: Evil under the Sun, 1982

People think what I tell them to think. That's how our authority works.
   Gene Carson, air marshall, in: Flightplan, 2005

A man's actions don't equal the sum of his psychological parts. Doesn't work that way.
   Mitch Leary, in: In the Line of Fire, 1993

Tiger Woods on Thursday scored his best first round finally at a Master's, so sure *that* will be his legacy.
   Seth Meyers, Saturday Night Life, April 10, 2010

Apple said Monday that it sold over 300,000 iPads on the first day of its lauch, ushering a new era of people buying things in order to find out what they are.
   Seth Meyers, Saturday Night Life, April 10, 2010

(about Alan Greenspan) We need to run the Fed on the pill, and you ran it on the rhythm method.
   Seth Meyers, Saturday Night Life, April 10, 2010

I believe that 50 years of the constant drumbeat of "Military is good, American soldiers are heroic and valiant" has made the American People more war-like over the last 50 years.
   David Robb, author of "Operation Hollywood"

(about the financial reform bill) Well, what else do you think should be fixed? I mean, you know, tell me!
   Scott Brown, Boston Globe, April 15, 2010

The objective of fighting a war is not to die for your country, but to let the other bastard die for his country.
   WW II US General George S. Patton

Sounds like they are conspiring to conspire.
   Ray Castro, in: "Traffic" (2000)

You know that in Mexico law enforcement is an entrepreneurial activity. (...) NAFTA makes things even more difficult for you because the borders are disappearing.
   Francisco Flores, in: "Traffic" (2000)

On a clear day you can see Mexico City.
(He is in San Diego when he says this)
   Arnie Metzger, in: "Traffic" (2000)

MG: You ever tried the patch, man?
RC: the what?
MG: the PATCH!
RC: Oh, that shit don't work, bro!
MG: Worked for my cousin.
RC: No shit?
MG: Yes! I mean, he had to wear about 5 or 6 at a time! But it worked though, man, it worked!
RC: So how is he doing now?
MG: Oh, he's dead!
RC: He's dead?
MG: It wasn't from the patch, man!
RC: Oh, she's coming out!
MG: I'm on it!
RC: What did he die from?
MG: His wife shot him.
   Montel Gordon and Ray Castro, in: "Traffic" (2000)

Many women who do not dress modestly (...) lead young men astray, corrupt our chastity, and spread adultery in society, which causes earthquakes.
   Iranian cleric Hajotoselam Karzem Swdighi

When Ramses destroyed Syria, that was an accident. YOU! are a catastrophe!
   Library curator, The Mummy, 1999

JC: I lie to everyone. What makes you so special?
EC: I am your sister!
JC: Yes, that just makes you more gullible!
   Jonathan Carnahan and Evelyn Carnahan, The Mummy, 1999

EC: You were actually AT Hamunaptra?
RO: Yes, I was there.
EC: You swear?
RO: Every damn day!
   Evelyn Carnahan and Rick O'Connell, The Mummy, 1999

EC: I will give you 10%.
SW: 50%!
EC: 20%!
SW: 40%!
EC: 30%!
SW: 25%!
EC: Ha! Deal!
   Evelyn Carnahan and Stinky Warden, The Mummy, 1999

RO: That's gotta hurt!
EC: It's called mummification. You'll be dead when they do this.
RO: For the record, if I don't make it outta here, don't put me down for mummification.
   Rick O'Connell and Evelyn Carnahan, The Mummy, 1999

What is a place like me doing in a girl like this?
   Evelyn Carnahan, The Mummy, 1999

When I heard about the campaign to get me to host Saturday Night Live I didn't know what Facebook was, and now that I do know what it is, I have to say it sounds like a *huge* waste of time. I would even say that people on it are losers, but that is only because I am polite. (...) Facebook just sounds like a drag.
   Betty White, in: Saturday Night Live, May 8, 2010

WELL, WELL, I wouldn't say it's failed yet. Erm, what I would say what we attempted to do last night didn't work.
   Robert Dudley, BP Exploration, May 8, 2010

Seth: Really? We have to start calling in suspicious looking behavior in Times Square? Really? Have you ever been to Times Square? It's where suspicious goes to hang out! I mean: Really!
Amy: Really! And then which thing would you like me to report? There's steam coming out of the street, hundreds of tourists are taking pictures of landmarks and fifteen people are peddling by on an alien super bike! I mean: Really!
Seth: Really!
Amy: Really!
   Seth and Amy, in: Saturday Night Live, May 8, 2010

Seth: On Thursday the Dow fell a thousand points because someone entered a billion instead of a million. How is that possible? How is there not a backup system? When I delete a picture on Facebook it asks me if I am sure. Why is Facebook more squared away than the Dow? I mean: Really!
Amy: And Really! One guy can do a billion dollar transaction and a manager doesn't have to approve it? If I try to pay with a 50 at Starbucks it turns into a four-man operation! They have to call corporate headquarters! I mean: Really!
Seth: Really!
   Seth and Amy, in: Saturday Night Live, May 8, 2010

Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand.
   Martin Fowler

I know racists can be somewhat uneducated. But you need a *baseline*, just to stereotype properly.
   Jon Stewart, The Daily Show, June 7, 2010

If it comes from communist China it is TAINTED with COMMUNISM! You cannot LIE to us!
   Teresa Macias, The Daily Show, June 7, 2010

It's simple: In the same way that anyone learning German becomes a Nazi or anyone learning French becomes an asshole, learning Chinese has only one outcome.
   Aasif Mandvi, The Daily Show, June 7, 2010

The company is not aware of any reason which justifies this price movement.
   Statement from BP, The Daily Show, June 10, 2010

We have not found any large concentrations of oil under the sea.
   Doug Suttles, COO of BP Exploration, The Daily Show, June 10, 2010

Right, I mean, there are no easy games in international football anymore apart from the US, and you then get to play yourself. Is that fair?
   John Oliver, The Daily Show, June 10, 2010

Even in hell an angel sometimes makes an appearance.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

He was selling guns before there was gunpowder.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

SW: You think I just sell guns, don't you? I don't take sides.
YO: During the Iran-Iraq war you sold guns to both sides.
SW: Did you ever consider that I wanted both sides to lose?
   Simeon Weisz and Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

Bullets change governments far surer than votes.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

When the United States leaves a war zone, they generally don't take their munitions. It costs more to bring it back than to buy new stock.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

I sold to every army but the salvation army. I never sold to Osama Bin Laden. Not on any moral grounds. Back then he was always bouncing checks.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

There is no problem leading a double life. It is the triple and quadruple lives that get you in the end.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

The most important rule of gun running is to never get shot by your own merchandise.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

In my experience some of the most successful relationships are based on lies and deceit. Since that's where they end up anyway, it is a logical place to start.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

The ones who know don't care anymore, and the ones who care don't know.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

The end of the Cold War was the beginning of the hottest time in arms dealing. The problem with gun runners going to war is that there is no shortage of ammunition.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

He was the rarest breed of law-enforcement officer, the type who knew I was breaking the law but would not break it himself to bust me.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

There is nothing more expensive for an arms dealer than peace.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

Peace talks ... all right, well, forget it. I reroute the shipment to the Balkans. When they say they are gonna have a war, they keep their word.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

I deem a shooting war is better for business, but I prefer people are firing my guns and miss as long as they are firing.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

Thank God there are still legal ways to exploit developing countries. But the only problem with an honest buck is they are too hard to make. (...) too many people are doing it.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

They accuse me of rigging elections. But after this, with your Florida and Supreme Court of kangaroos, the US will shut up forever.
   AndrĂ© Baptiste Sr, Lord of War, 2005

Where there is a will, there is a weapon.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

Oftentimes the most barbaric atrocities occur when both combatants proclaim themselves freedom fighters.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

There is only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what you want, the other is getting it.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

Most people are happy just to get out of jail. I expect to be paid to leave it.
   Yuri Orlov, Lord of War, 2005

Null sucks.
   Doug Lea

Simple ain't easy.
   Thelonious Monk

Somehow, the price of clarity is complexity.
   Anonymous

The difference between genious and stupidity is that genious has its limits.
   Albert Einstein

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
   Anonymous

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
   Derek Brok

Clever is seldom good. It's true!
   Josh Bloch, Google Tech Talk, May 21, 2008

Even Doug Lea can't get it right. That's proof by intimidation.
   Jeremy Manson, Google Tech Talk, Mar 21, 2007

What's there to love if nobody dies?
   Anonymous internet poster

I don't know if there is a God. But I do know man is no substitute if there isn't.
   Prof. Challenger, The Lost World, 2001

EM: She has no idea of man and woman.
LR: Birds and the bees?
EM: No, I am sure she is very familiar with the birds and bees -- not to mention any other form of biting insect.
   Edward Malone and Lord Roxton, The Lost World, 2001

Summerlee: There is a difference between keeping an open mind and accepting every crackpot theory.
(...)
Challenger: There is an old Indian dialect from Honduras that sounds very much like Welsh.
Summerlee: Really? I know a type of English that sounds very much like Gibberish.
   Professor Challenger and Professor Summerlee, The Lost World, 2001

I am going for a swim in your fiancee's lake.
   Agnes, The Lost World, 2001

You're talking to the wrong man. I work for central government, remember?. Actually doing something is the mistake we're trained to avoid.
   Lawrence, in: Chris Cleave, "Little Bee", 2008, p. 206

There's eight million people here pretending the others aren't getting on their nerves. I believe it's called civilization.
   Lawrence, in: Chris Cleave, "Little Bee", 2008, p. 216

The back of the van had a smell of vomit, but the air that blew in smelled of London.
   Little Bee, in: Chris Cleave, "Little Bee", 2008, p. 245

If you are just hyper-sensitive to color and you don't have a sense of humor, don't marry out of your race.
   Dr. Laura Schlessinger, August 10, 2010

Does one drink white wine or red wine with plesiosaur?
   The Land That Time Forgot, 1975

Only married people understand how you can be miserable and happy at the exact same time.
   Chris Rock

Earth has all the time in the world. We don't.
   11th Hour, 2007

SL: Why me?
MB: You are FBI.
SL: What's that got to do with everything?
MB: If it bites off your arm, you get disability for life.
   Stan Lloyd and Max Burdett, in: After the Sunset, 2004

Christianity would not have spread on the continent if it hadn't been for the Irishmen.
   Dagmar O'Riain-Raedell, Irish Historian, in: In Search of Ancient Ireland, 2002

Even if you take something like marriage. Under Irish law marriage is regarded as a contract. Divorce is really wide-spread. One of these sources they describe the Irish as exchanging wives as fast as they exchange horses.
   Elva Jonston, Irish Historian, about the Roman Catholic Church describing the Irish, in: In Search of Ancient Ireland, 2002

Britain is proud of its tradition of providing a safe haven for people fleeting [sic!] persecution and conflict.
   Life in the United Kingdom: A Journey to Citizenship (UK Home Office, 2005)

My biggest beef is that this is what's happened in this country ... we have become a nation of wusses.
   Ed Rendell, former governor of Pennsylvania, 97.5 FM

I definitely *do* think a cat could be trained to shoot a gun. Erm, I think there would be a lot of intermediate steps before getting to that point.
   Karen T. Oberthaler, Veterinarian, NYU Veterinary Specialist, VMD

Some dumb actors seem smart, you just project thoughts onto them. In his case, he actually *IS* smart.
   Douglas Wick, producer of Spy Game, 2001, about actor Robert Redford, on DVD commentary.

Berlin now is so clean, Berlin reminds me more of Paris than it does of a German city.
   Tony Scott, director of Spy Game, 2001, on DVD commentary.

He's on direct orders not to die out there, and that is one set of orders he is actually planning on following.
   Maj. Casey Schuler, Outbreak, 1995.

JS: Reagan ran big deficits, Reagan raised taxes.
MS: There's a blind spot when it comes to some of what President Reagan did as governor and as president. Admittedly so.
   Jon Stewart and Michael Steele, about the Republican Party, in: The Daily Show, Feb 2, 2011

Magnum is like James Bond without the Dom Perignon.
   TV Guide

(...) when I *made* her an anesthesiologist, because, again, after doing a little research I discovered that anesthesiology is the field of medicine with the highest incidence of drug abuse among doctors because they have so much access to pain medicine.
   on DVD commentary, The Glass House, 2001

I also wanna say I always feature Apple computers in my scripts too, in the hopes I get a promotional iBook. I never have.
   on DVD commentary, The Glass House, 2001

Usually 16year olds are played by 22year olds in Hollywood.
   on DVD commentary, The Glass House, 2001

AC: It's the funny thing about change, everything seems to stay the same.
   Jonathon Paige, in: The Glass House, 1972

BC: There is a lot missing in here, sir.
WA: Now, this is the official version.
BC: Nothing I reported is in here.
   Brian Courtland and Warden Auerbach, in: The Glass House, 1972

Researchers in Israel found when a medical clown showed up to give women a laugh immediately after the embryos were implanted the success rate jumped 16%.
   Daily Connection, February 2, 2011

The ones in Wisconsin are a genuine, petulant, immature, childish bunch of bottom-feeder free-loaders.
   Rush Limbaugh, February 18, 2011

Peter King: The fact is, the I.R.A. never attacked the United States. And my loyalty is to the United States.
   Peter King, March 8, 2011

Newt Gingrich: There's no question that in times of my life, partly driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and that things happened in my life that were not appropriate.
   Newt Gingrich, on CBN, March 9, 2011

If the world gets crazy with us, we will get crazy too.
   Muanmar Gaddafi, March 18, 2011

I really like boys. I mean you know, it's great to have someone who understands explosions. And you know, the really important things in life, you know, football.
   George Lucas, about his children, in interview with Biography Channel

Basically L. A. is made up of losers. It is made up of people that cannot make it anywhere else.
   Dotson Rader, contributing editor Parade Magazine, in interview with Biography Channel

I could care less what some person who has never met me has to say about me.
   Julia Roberts, 1997

It's bad. Like almond butter. They're making butter out of every kind of nut these days. Cashew butter, walnut butter. What's wrong with peanut butter? The debt ceiling.
   Donald Trump, 2011

Medicare is like a nice set of cufflinks. Nobody wears cufflinks anymore. When I was growing up, you wore a belt that matched your shoes. A nice tie pin, and cufflinks. It was simple, and you looked sharp. Brown shoes, brown belt, black shoes, black belt. Medicare.
   Donald Trump, 2011

Shaving cream's a gel now? Afghanistan.
   Donald Trump, 2011

Never trust a woman who says she's not angry.
   Kevin, in: St. Elmo's Fire, 1985

You know what love is? Love is an illusion created by lawyer types like yourself to perpetuate another illusion called marriage. Create a reality, divorce in it, an illusionary need for divorce lawyers.
   Kevin, in: St. Elmo's Fire, 1985

Leslie, this is the 80s. I bop him for a few years, get his job when he gets his hands caught in the vault, become a legend, (...), get caught in sex scandals, retire, massive disgrace, write a huge best-seller and become a fabulous host, do my own talk-show.
   Jules, in: St. Elmo's Fire, 1985

I think there is a tendency sometimes, with young and old people, to think if anyone, male or female, isn't constantly in love or parading around with somebody that they must be gay or lesbian. I think that's one of our delusions. Maybe sometimes it's right too.
   Joel Schumacher, director of St. Elmo's Fire, 1985, on DVD commentary

He who warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms by ringing those bells and, um, making sure as he's riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that, uh, we were going to be secure and we were going to be free.
   Sarah Palin, about Paul Revere's 1775 historic horse ride, http:// www.youtube.com/watch?v=oS4C7bvHv2w

You can't always count on law enforcement. (...) You have to be able to protect yourself.
   Danny Bubp, OH Congressman (R), May 11, 2011

I'm turning 30 this year. It's made me think it might be time to say goodbye to Paris the party girl and hello to Paris the grown-up.
   Paris Hilton, in: The World accoring to Paris, 2011

It's not my fault if people are still feeling obsessed with me.
   Paris Hilton, in: The World accoring to Paris, 2011

She was a little overweight, which made the impression perfect.
   Michael Crichton, NEXT, 2006

Not that he gave a crap about that. The truth was, the more he got portrayed as an unprincipled, ruthless prick, the more clients flocked to him. Because when it came to a divorce, people wanted a ruthless prick. They lined up for one. And Barry Sindler was without a doubt the most ruthless, unscrupulous, publicity-hungry, self-aggrandizing, stop-at-nothing son-of-a-bitch divorce lawyer in Southern California. And proud of it!
   Michael Crichton, NEXT, 2006

By and large, husbands were sensible. They wanted to get on with their lives, buy a new house, move in with the new girlfriend, get a nice (--omitted--). They wanted custody issues settled. But the wives totally wanted revenge -- so Barry kept things from being settled, year after year, until the husbands caved. Millionaires, billionaires, celebrity assholes -- it didn't matter. They all caved in the end. People said it wasn't a good strategy for the kids. Well, screw the kids. If the clients cared anything about the kids, they wouldn't get divorced in the first place. They'd stay married and miserable like everybody else.
   Michael Crichton, NEXT, 2006

Apparently he bought cocaine from a woman who worked for the DEA.
   Mrs. Weller, in: Michael Crichton, NEXT, 2006

First, in a media-saturated world, persistent hype lends unwarranted credulity to the wildest claims. (...) Does that imply there is a danger in media hype? You bet. Because not only does it raise cruel hopes among the ill, it affects scientists, too. They start to believe the miracle is around the corner -- even though they should know better. What can we do about media hype? It would stop in a week, if scientific institutions wanted that. They don't. They love the hype. They know it brings grants. So that won't change. (...) So whenever you hear a scientist claim that his statements have been exaggerated, or taken out of context, just ask him if he has written a letter of protest to the editor. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he hasn't. (...) But there are now three million researchers in America. It's no longer a calling, it's a career. Science is as corruptible a human activity as any other. Its practitioners aren't saints, they're human beings, and they do what human beings do -- lie, cheat, steal from one another, sue, hide data, fake data, overstate their own importance, and denigrate opposing views unfairly. That's human nature. It isn't going to change.
   Professor McKeown, in: Michael Crichton, NEXT, 2006

People who were overly desirous joining the majority -- that might prove to be a genetic disorder. And people who felt depressed when they were alone, by themselves -- conceivably, another disorder. People who joined protest marches, went to sports games, who sought out situations where they would be surrounded by lots of like-minded people -- a potential genetic disorder. Then there were people who felt obliged to agree with whomever they were with, no matter what was said -- yet another disorder. And what about people who were afraid to think for themselves? Fear of independence from the surrounding group? "Nobody thinks for themselves if they can help it."
   Professor Gode, in: Michael Crichton, NEXT, 2006

In the last fifty years, Europeans have grown an inch every decade. So have the Japanese. That's too fast for a genetic change. It's entirely an effect of environment -- better prenatal care, nutrition, health care, and so on. Americans, by the way, haven't grown at all in this period. They've shrunk slightly, possibly because of poor prenatal care and junk food diets.
   Professor Garfield, in: Michael Crichton, NEXT, 2006

Apparently a few Neanderthal women took pity on the puny Cro-Magnons and bred with them. It's a good thing for us. We are lucky that we carry blonde Neanderthal genes to prevent our species from becoming hopelessly stupid. (...) Pretending blondes were stupid was a dark-haired prejudice designed to deflect attention from the real problem of the world, which is dark-haired shortcomings. Make a list of the stupidest people in history. You will find they are all dark-haired.
   Dr. Nilsson, in: Michael Crichton, NEXT, 2006

I couldn't believe it. EVERY MAJOR network! Everyone! 100%, everywhere covering it as if it were a presidential funeral. It was remarkable. In fact, more than a presidential funeral. (...) Never thought I would watch PARIS HILTON walking out of jail and getting into an SUV, and we would cover it as breaking news, but we are.
   Paris Hilton, Inc., 2010

What does it say about our culture that a girl leaving jail wearing the right pair of jeans or shoes is actually promoting that product?
   Brandy Navarre, co-owner X17, in: Paris Hilton, Inc., 2010

I have gotten a lot of letters from mothers and daughters look up to me. I want to be a good role model for these girls.
   Paris Hilton, in: Paris Hilton, Inc., 2010

And the brutal facts are that not only is Paris Hilton a bigger star than Tom Hanks, but Paris Hilton's chihuahua is a bigger star than Tom Hanks. Studio heads, when I mention this, are simultaneously depressed and in agreement.
   Michael Levine, Public Relations Expert, in: Paris Hilton, Inc., 2010

The only thing Anthony Weiner and this gentleman here appear to have in common is that they both lean hard to the extreme left.
   Jon Stewart, in: The Daily Show, May 31, 2011

It's the truly astonishing part of the story. Rod Blagojevitch is now the fourth, out of the last seven, elected governors of Illinois to be convicted of a felony. Four out of the last seven! 57%! If you were an individual in Illinois you would have a better chance of avoiding jail by flipping a coin (...) than by being elected governor of Illinois!
   Jon Stewart, in: The Daily Show, June 28, 2011

Kerry's speech on the economy at Georgetown is likely to move on to the topic of Iraq. We should take the beginning of Kerry's speech, see if it contains new information (aside from a promise to create 10 million jobs), and see if other news at the time is more compelling. It is not required to take it from start to finish.
   Internal FOX News memo, April 6, 2004, in: Outfoxed: Murdoch's War on Journalism, 2004

Let's refer to the US Marines we see in the foreground as "sharp-shooters", not "snipers", which carries a negative connotation.
   Internal FOX News memo, April 20, 2004, in: Outfoxed: Murdoch's War on Journalism, 2004

We received an order from Rupert Murdoch's apparatchiks, if you will, that we should cut away from our news cast and start covering a fawning tribute to Ronald Reagan that was airing at the Republican Convention. We were stunned because up until that point we were allowed to do legitimate news. And suddenly we were ordered from the top to carry propaganda, really Republican right-wing propaganda.
   Frank O'Donnell, former FOX News producer, Washington, D.C., in: Outfoxed: Murdoch's War on Journalism, 2004

FOX News Channels STATED practice was to embarrass, humiliate, challenge, or disrupt WHATEVER Jessee Jackson did. We were told on MANY occasions that he was one of our targets. Anything we could do or say that would embarrass him, discredit him, we were encouraged to find the information and we were encouraged to report the information.
   Jon Du Pre, former FOX News anchor, West Coast Bureau, in: Outfoxed: Murdoch's War on Journalism, 2004

We gave our audience bad information. Our lengthy and critical self-examination shows that we let our viewers down. I apologize for making those bad projections that night. It will not happen again.
   Roger Ailes, FOX News CEO and Chairman, about the FOX News election 2000 coverage, in: Outfoxed: Murdoch's War on Journalism, 2004

As you hear Bob McChesney say in the film, unless you are able to change media you are never be able to get the social change that you want in the country.
   in: Robert Greenwald, producer of "Outfoxed: Murdoch's War on Journalism, 2004", on DVD commentary

Well, the war really had absolutely nothing to do with terrorism.
   Chas Freeman, former Assitant Secretary of Defense and Ambassador to Saudi Arabia

It was clear that Iraq did not have a nuclear weapons program.
   Mel Goodman, 20year senior CIA Analyst

And the ties with Al-Quaeda was just a scare tactic.
   Ray McGovern, 27year senior CIA Analyst

And you had the New York Times admitting that it was using one source for all of its information on weapons of mass destruction.
   Robert Baer, 21year senior CIA Operative

The media (is) supposed to be the fourth of state, but they decided to completely climb in bed with the administration on this.
   Larry Johnson, former Deputy Director in the US State Department's Office of Counter-Terrorism

It is a crime to mislead and distort the information and present to the Congress.
   John Dean, former White House Counsel to president Nixon

The call it data mining. Going back old information, coming back with new conclusions.
   Robert Baer, 21year senior CIA Operative

Question remains: WHO DID the documents? WHO forged the documents?
   Milt Bearden, former Head of the CIA's Soviet/East European Division and Station Chief in Pakistan

This is a group of people who essentially believed that might makes matters right.
   Chas Freeman, former Assitant Secretary of Defense and Ambassador to Saudi Arabia

Democracy: you have an obligation. And your obligation is to speak truthfully to the public.
   David Kay, former Head of CIA Weapons Inspection Team in Iraq

We owe our soldiers, our sailors, our airmen, and our Marines nothing less.
   Joseph Wilson, former Deputy Chief of Mission at the US Embassy in Iraq and Special Assistant to the President

They want all news to be a matter of opinion. Because opinion cannot be proven false. And I think that's very dangerous, because if people don't have facts they can agree on, I think it is difficult to reach a concensus.
   David Brock, President/CEO Media Matters for America, about FOX News, in: Outfoxed: Murdoch's War on Journalism, 2004

See, one of things that FOX does and conservatives do, is: they don't have to win every argument. But if they can muddy the argument enough, if they can turn it into a draw, that to them is a victory, because it denies the other side a victory.
   James Wolcott, former staff writer for the New York Times / Culture Critic for Vanity Fair, in: Outfoxed: Murdoch's War on Journalism, 2004

We hope you are gonna depend on us for the truth. Because we are gonna report the situation in Iraq without an agenda or any ideological prejudice.
   Bill O'Reilly

I am not right-wing, I believe in global warming.
   Bill O'Reilly

The AMERICAN axis of evil -- that is the subject of this evening's Talking Points memo. According to some excellent reporting by politico.com a frightening meeting took place here in New York City two nights ago. Billionaire far-left zilla George Soros had a dinner in his Manhattan home that included Clinton confidant Paul Begala and the VICIOUS CHARACTER ASSASSIN David Brock, who runs Media Matters.
   Bill O'Reilly, Talking Points, April 10, 2008

But you know what's shocking? 35% of the Hawaiian population is Asian. And Asian people are *not* liberal, you know, by nature, they, they're usually more industrious and hard-working.
   Bill O'Reilly, O'Reilly Factor, FOX News, Jan 3, 2013

Real peace is not just the absence of conflict. It is the presence of justice.
   President of the United States, Air Force One, 1997

A man who tells the truth tends to be found out sooner or later. Try sincerity. That's a virtue. But truth, it's an affliction.
   Uncle Benny, The Tailor of Panama, 2001

Because in matters of intelligence, dear Harry, as in most other matters, merry England sucks on the American hind tit. It is called the special relationship.
   Andrew Osnard, The Tailor of Panama, 2001

Looking back, it was horrible what we did. We were being used by the government to stop dissent. Plain and simple.
   John C. "Jack" Ryan, former FBI agent 1966 - 1987, in: "The U.S. vs. John Lennon", 2006

It was what Hoover liked, it was what Hoover wanted to hear, that agents were neutralizing these different organizations, so there wasn't a question of whether it was right or wrong, legal, ethical, or moral, as long as it was efficient.
   M. Wesley Swearingen, former FBI agent 1952 - 1977, about the assassination of Black Panther organizer Fred Hampton,in: "The U.S. vs. John Lennon", 2006

Patriotism is, as we know, the last refuge of the scoundrel. Now, we're talking about real scoundrels like Nixon. And some present-day people play the same number: "Oh, it's unpatriotic, unpatriotic!"
   Gore Vidal, author/historian, in: "The U.S. vs. John Lennon", 2006

If Lennon's visa is terminated, it would be a strategic counter-measure.
   Strom Thurmond, former US Senator, in a memo to White House Aide William Timmons, Feb 4, 1972, in: "The U.S. vs. John Lennon", 2006

Confusing dissent and disloyalty is always a confusion American administrations make.
   Tariq Ali, radical activist/journalist, in: "The U.S. vs. John Lennon", 2006, on DVD commentary

Clearly it is a very horrendous bit of misconduct at whatever level it takes place to prevent anyone from speaking their views. It is unpatriotic, you can find everyone from Abraham Lincoln talking against a war to some of the most right-wing activists like Bob Taft, saying "I am against this war because I don't believe in it". So: those who try to attack people who are anti-war either take any position for being unpatriotic typically they are the true patriots because they are speaking out. And we are in a lot of trouble when people don't speak out.
   John Dean, former White House Counsel of president Nixon, 1970 - 1973, in: "The U.S. vs. John Lennon", 2006, on DVD commentary

The Bill of Rights says "Oh, no!", it says you are free to speak even though everyone else wants to pass a law that says you can't and shouldn't speak that way. YOU have the freedom to speak.
   Mario Cuomo, former governor of New York, 1983 - 1994, in: "The U.S. vs. John Lennon", 2006, on DVD commentary

I have been asked many times: "Is the Bush administration worse than the Nixon administration?". Well it's ... and ..., you know. But in terms of its policies toward those who disagree with it this administration is vicious. (It had) this presidency, and the president, with a kind of Nixonian abandon? YES! And I have written a piece about it related to Deep Throat's identity was disclosed. I did a big 12,000 word piece in Vanity Fair about this aspect about the Bush presidency. It is lack of regard for the truth. It is Nixon in that regard, and it is manipulation and ability to overpower, the president is more sophisticated than the little shop run by Ron Ziegler and Haldeman and Ehrlichman and Lees. The Bush White House is malicious at this. And part of it is (a) hidden degree incompetence that is somewhat similar to aspects of the Nixon presidency, but Nixon had a far more curious mind, a far more sophisticated mind in terms of foreign policy. Though he might have done terrible things with his knowledge, he had an understanding of the world far more sophisticated than president Bush the younger.
   Carl Bernstein, in: "The U.S. vs. John Lennon", 2006, on DVD commentary

Person 1: Anyone wanna bring up the subject we are not talking about today for the, for the streamers?
Person 2: Sure, go ahead
Person 3: Yes.
Person 1: *I* am not going to touch it!
   Taped recording during FOX and Friends commercial break, about the News of the Week phone hacking scandal, FOX News

I've always said that I've just tried to write articles in a truthful way, and, you know, what better source getting the truth, is to listen to someone's messages?
   Paul McMullen, former News of the Week Deputy features editor, 1994-2001, in: BBC News Night, July 8, 2011

We've got some serious problems in this country right now. We are teetering on default, and what do they do? They talk about THIS!
   Steve Doocy, host of FOX and Friends, about the News of the Week phone hacking scandal, in: FOX and Friends, July 15, 2011

Voting as a liberal. That's what kids do. They don't have life experience. They just vote their feelings.
   William O'Brien, Speaker of the House of New Hampshire, Jan 1, 2011

Why do we have those campaigns saying: "We have to get all the young people to vote!"? Young people often don't know anything. Let's stop saying everyone should vote!
   John Stossel, FOX Business News Anchor, in: O'Reilly Factor, Oct 28, 2010

If people cannot even feed and clothe themselves, should they be allowed to vote? Should they be voting?
   Rush Limbaugh, Dec 3, 2010

So this Fluke, and the rest of you femi-Nazis, here's the deal, if we are going to PAY for your contraceptives and thus PAY for you to have sex, we want something for it. And I'll tell you what it is. We want you to post the videos online, so we can all watch.
   Rush Limbaugh, Mar 1, 2012

Then, how can I be anti-women? I even judged the Miss America Pageant.
   Rush Limbaugh, Mar 14, 2012

If you are not a property owner, you know, I am sorry but property owners have a little bit more of a vested stake in the community than not property owners do.
   Judson Phillips, Tea Party Nation founder, Nov 16, 2010

Speaker: Who is responsible for this blast? Well, Norway has been grappling with some home-grown terror plots linked to al-Quaeda.
   MSNBC, about Breivik's massacre, July 22, 2010

Without all the facts in, the finger of suspicion would suggest that this is probably Middle-Eastern in its origin.
   Neil Livingstone, FOX News, about Breivik's massacre, July 22, 2010

Two deadly terror attacks in Norway in what appears to be once again the work of Muslim extremists.
   FOX News, about Breivik's massacre, July 22, 2010

Al-Quaeda's Ayman al-Zawahiri has repeatedly singled out Norway ...
   Wall Street Journal, about Breivik's massacre

What do you make of the fact that he ... looks nordic?
In the first few hours of any such event there is so much information and misinformation flying about, and I wouldn't want to draw too many conclusions. Maybe it was a good disguise.
   CNN Live, about Breivik's massacre, July 22, 2010

If this proves to be the work of Islamists, it will be noted that neither Norway's opposition to the war in Iraq nor its considerable financial and political support for the Palestinians spared it from attack.
   Wall Street Journal, about Breivik's massacre

Mozart was writing for Saturday, Beethoven was writing for eternity.
   Sir Roger Arthur Carver Norrington, conductor, in: In Search of Beethoven, 2009

A revolution without dancing is not a revolution worth having.
   V, in: V for Vendetta, 2005

AJ: You're a cop! Hey, why didn't you tell me?
Barbara: Would you have asked me out?
AJ: Yeah!
   A. J. Simon and Barbara in: Simon & Simon, Matchmaker, March 9, 1982

Teacher Barkley: I am not asking you to volunteer. This time I am hiring you.
RJ: No, you are not. Your money is no good with us. Besides, you probably could not afford our rates. Not on a teacher's salary.
   R. J. Simon and Teacher Barkley in: Simon & Simon, March 9, 1982

It seems a bit silly to be in America and for none of them to mention Vietnam as if nothing was happening. (...) You cannot just keep quiet about everything that's going on in the world, unless you are a monk.
   John Lennon

We have got a court order
It is no substitute for brains.
   The Asphalt Jungle, 1950

See, most of these players, they are big, but they are not too bright. They come right out of college, 21, 22, can't even read or write, but they get a big no-cut contract, and the first thing you know: a blonde's got her finger up their nose and their lawyer and their pension plan.
   Medical assistant, about American football players, in: Simon & Simon, December 12, 1982

In an effort to compete with the iPad Amazon on Wednesday unveiled their new tablet computer called the Kindle Fire, which will retail for $199. It's expected to sell well among parents who always buy the wrong thing.
   Seth Meyers, in: Saturday Night Live, October 1, 2011

Autopsies make me hungry.
   Coroner Jerry Reiner, in: Simon & Simon, Jan 27, 1983

Any guy over the age of 30 who vacations with his mother oughtta join the Marine Corps or see a shrink -- or both!
   Rick Simon, in: Simon & Simon, Jan 27, 1983

The big top women sure do bounce around, I love to see them walkin' up and down, Ba-Ba-Boom, Ba-Ba-Boom, Ba-Ba-Boom, make you go downtown.
   Hank Williams, Jr.

You'll get used to that. Marine Colonels are born angry.
   Rick Simon, in: Simon & Simon, Feb 24, 1983

How the hell can I trust a man (who) won't eat a good old-fashioned hotdog!
   Sergeant Second Grade Daniel "Hondo" Harrelson, in: SWAT, 2003

A woman in California has filed a law suit against Justin Bieber alleging that he is the father of her baby. It could just be a mistake though most babies look a lot like Justin Bieber.
   Seth Meyers, in: Saturday Night Live, November 5, 2011

On Tuesday the first ever simultaneous nationwide test of the emergency alert system was conducted on radio, TV, and cable, but frankly, unless they also text it, we all are gonna die.
   Seth Meyers, in: Saturday Night Live, November 12, 2011

With computers we can now produce reams of paper in seconds to tell us that we cannot do in days what once took minutes.
   Roger Brown

BS: I am just doing my job.
AM: Yeah, well, so does an imbecile.
   Detective Ben Shockley and Augustina "Gus" Mally, in: The Gauntlet, 1977

The bastards are trained shooting, not think. Then we'd have no problem.
   Constable, about police cops, in: The Gauntlet, 1977

According to a new study 91% of children in the US play video games while the other 9% are too fat to play video games.
   Seth Myers, in: Saturday Night Live, October 15, 2011

The Americans don't really understand irony, do they? I mean, that's very much an English sense of humor, which they love when they see it, but they are not able to reproduce themselves.
   Lewis Gilbert, in: The James Bond Story, on DVD commentary

On the counter lay the empty envelope in which the brutally hypocritical statement had come from the Department of Justice. It had been one more sign that his worst fantasies were gradually becoming real. From that infinitesimal portion of the mind which concerns itself with the unthinkable, Matlock had begun to perceive that the land he had grown up in was changing into something ugly and destructive. It was far more than a political manifestation, it was a slow, all-embracing sense of morality by strategy. A corruption of intentions. Strong feelings were being replaced with surface anger, convictions and compromise. The land was becoming something other than its promise, its commitment. The grails were empty vessels of flat wine, impressive solely because they were possessed.
   Robert Ludlum, The Matlock Paper, 1973

But on this particular night, the needles of doubt kept pricking Bray's conscience. Not his morality; long ago morality had been replaced by the practical. If it worked, it was moral. If it did not, it wasn't practical, and thus was immoral. What bothered him tonight had its basis in that utilitarian philosophy. Was the execution practical? Was the lesson about to be taught the best lesson, the most feasible option?
   Robert Ludlum, The Matarese Circle, 1979

A mole in espionage did not assume the characteristics of the social equivalent.
   Robert Ludlum, The Matarese Circle, 1979

When you've spent as many years in Washington as we have, Monsieur Blanchard, you don't have to ask for identification. It's all over their faces.
   Hotel operator, in: Robert Ludlum, The Matarese Circle, 1979

If stealing from a thief was the safest form of larceny, a "defector" compromising a traitor was even safer.
   Robert Ludlum, The Matarese Circle, 1979

While I was in my underwear, he made a foolish remark to the effect that mathematicians had the advantage over academics and librarians. We studied figures ...
   Lodzia, in: Robert Ludlum, The Matarese Circle, 1979

Besides, anyone sentenced to death by Moscow cannot be all bad.
   Kassel, in: Robert Ludlum, The Matarese Circle, 1979

Suppose your late John Edgar Hoover had a politically ambitious son. Who could have stood in his way? Hoover's secret files would have paved any road, even the one leading to the Oval Office.
   Taleniekov, in: Robert Ludlum, The Matarese Circle, 1979

An angry mind was a mind intact.
   Robert Ludlum, The Matarese Circle, 1979

The worst enemy an undercover cop can have are his friends.
   Marie, in: Simon & Simon, Caught between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea, Nov 10, 1983

Cops are supposed to be scary, that's what law and order is all about.
   A. J. Simon, in: Simon & Simon, Caught between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea, Nov 10, 1983

Frank's a purist; he never tolerated men like me. However, analysts tend to cloak themselves in contradictory alternatives.
   Brandon Scofield, in: Robert Ludlum, The Matarese Countdown, 2000

Simplicity is the mother's milk of penetration, young Cameron.
   Brandon Scofield, in: Robert Ludlum, The Matarese Countdown, 2000

You're young, my new friend. But beware, trust is built on optimism, it's a series of shadows. You can't give them three dimensions, no matter how hard you try.
   Brandon Scofield, in: Robert Ludlum, The Matarese Countdown, 2000

My mother thought I was either a gangster or a professional gambler. Let's get back to Boston.
   Brandon Scofield, in: Robert Ludlum, The Matarese Countdown, 2000

Information in the hands of the inexpert or inexperienced can be extremely dangerous.
   Cameron Pryce, in: Robert Ludlum, The Matarese Countdown, 2000

I was at Guantanamo Bay in the early 90s when the vice president Dick Cheney says to me the other day: "It's the tropics, it's a lovely place!" He has a point, it's a lovely place.
   Wolf Blitzer, in: CNN Live, July 11, 2005

(Herman Cain has) never been anything but a gentleman. -- I am not an unattractive woman.
   Lori Klein, Arizona State Senator, Nov 29, 2011

Democracy means everyone does what they want. (...) Democracy is good. (...) Democracy means equality between the rich and the poor. But we still have to discover why some are more equal than others. (...) If you have a complaint, don't tell anybody. don't object to the law, just keep quiet democratically. (...) The Sephardims are the majority. but who is prospering? The Ashkenazims, that's no joke, because they made the laws. (...) What's good about democracy is you can curse it all day long, it won't hear or tell on you even if you scream out loud. (...) The area is ruled by law and order, everyone who doesn't get it will understand the knife. (...) Democracy is a hope which seems to just stand in place. And if you truly look, you will see it's going backwards. (...) In a democracy there is always food for those who have the money. In a very democractic way you can starve to death. (...) Democracy is a game in which there is a friendly clerk. To those that come to him he says "come back tomorrow!".
   Kazablan, 1974

I am your brother-in-law because your sister works for me. We ransom the store-owner. He's happy if he's insured. If you are in a tricky situation, let the lawyers make a living. We don't care for the courts' well-being. They make fools of all of us. Where's the policeman? With a lady. Where's the lady? In hospital. And the policeman is a bastard child.
   Kazablan, 1974

LL: Please don't do that! (referring to King George VI lighting a cigarette)
KG: I'm sorry?
LL: I believe sucking smoke into your lungs will kill you.
KG: My physicians said it relaxes the throat.
LL: They are idiots!
KG: They all have been knighted!
LL: Makes it official then!
   Lionel Logue and King George VI, in: The King's Speech, 2010

The English traditionally have not been highly welcoming to the need for therapy.
   Tom Hooper, The King's Speech, on DVD commenarty, 2010

You're totally predictable, Danny. You get involved in something positive, and then you find a way to fuck it up.
   Nora Allardyce, in: Silver City, 2004

I mean Kissinger wrote all about Nixon wandering through the White House talking all the pictures on the wall and Tricky Dick still gets to go to lunch with the Pope.
   R. J. Simon, in: Simon & Simon, Heels and Toes, Feb 2, 1984

(asked why Christine O'Donnell endorses Mitt Romney:)
CO: His consistency, the fact that he was so strong, and I think people will find that appealing going into the 2012.
CNN: Well some people say that Mitt Romney ISN'T the most consistent candidate, because he's changed his mind about big important issues over the years.
CO: You know that's one of the things that I like about him. Because he's been consistent since he changed his mind.
   Christine O'Donnell, on CNN Live, Dec 12, 2011

A man's stature is determined by his enemies, not his friends.
   City Hall, 1996

An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it.
   John F. Kennedy, April 27, 1961

You cannot get knowledge without breaking eggheads.
   The Human Stain, 2003

Action is the enemy of thought.
   The Human Stain, 2003

When people are nice, they act nice, and prison violence will be reduced.
   Templeton "Face" Peck, impersonating a prison psychologist, in: The A-Team, Pros and Cons, Feb 8, 1983

TP: What's a Yankee's promise worth anyway?
PN: Nothing!
   Templeton "Face" Peck and Prison Nurse, The A-Team, Pros and Cons, Feb 8, 1983

Sinclair: I think you better get out.
Peck: Happy to. But I'll just come back with United States Marshalls. We love guys like you. Ralf eats them for breakfast!
Sinclair: Ralf?
Peck: NADER! You're his kinda guy. Crooked, and proud of it! Ralf, he'll chew you up

   Templeton "Face" Peck and Prison Nurse, The A-Team, Semi-Friendly Persuasion, May 8, 1984

(They have no emotions.) None at all. They don't feel anything we feel. No love, no hate, no jealousy. They tend to be very, very smart, often their IQs are somewhere in the genius range. They tend to be mathematical, usually very disciplined, often very good physiques. Finally, they are *extremely* charming, socially adept. They hide their illness very well, but when they are violent, they are killing machines with no remorse.
   Dr. Kettering, psychiatrist treating LAPD psychiatrist and serial killer Dr. Bolin (who is in charge of all LAPD homicide detectives' psychological evaluations and treatments), about sociopaths, in: Hunter, Hunter, Sep 18, 1984

College education ... you still don't know how to play stupid convincingly.
   Rick Hunter, in: Hunter, Legacy, Nov 2, 1984

This is not a homicide, Bernie. This is a cop-killing.
   Rick Hunter, in: Hunter, The Shooter, Jan 4, 1985

Captain: This man looks like an accountant.
Sergeant: This man is an accountant.
   Captain and Sergeant, in: Hunter, The Shooter, Jan 4, 1985

RH: All of India could live on 60 bux.
DMC: Not on Veal Marsala!
RH: I don't even like veal.
DMC: OK, then don't come over.
   Rick Hunter and Dee Dee McCall, in: Hunter, The Avenging Angel, Jan 18, 1985

Hunter, it's not the first time that a decent guy (... charming) would be driven to commit murder by a rotten wife.
   Sergeant Dee Dee McCall, in: Hunter, Think Blue, Dec 14, 1985

And if the law isn't rational, then my whole life doesn't work.
   Defense Attorney, in: Hunter, Blow Up, Jan 4, 1986

I'm not a fellow human being, I'm a cop.
   Sergeant Dee Dee McCall, in: Hunter, Blow Up, Jan 4, 1986

Americans don't understand that all Romanians deal in the black market. You do what you have to, to make life liveable.
   Nicolai, in: Hunter, Deadly Encounters, Part 1, Jan 4, 1986

Ever since Vietnam, even the military's vocabulary had shifted from martial to managerial in tone. Goddammit -- we didn't need managers, we needed leaders, warriors, hunters. Instead, we got accountants.
   Richard Marcinko, Rogue Warrior, 1992

Additionally, Ronald Reagan saw terrorism through his own ideological prism, instead of viewing it through the warrior's clear glass. He viewed terror as a byproduct of the East-West struggle, another form of surrogate warfare wage by the Soviets against the West, not as the far more sinister struggles of anarchy against order, of culture against culture, of sociopaths against society -- which would outlast the Cold War. He was mistaken.
   Richard Marcinko, Rogue Warrior, 1992

He'd choppered out during daylight. That's why he wore the stars, and I wore scars.
   Richard Marcinko, Rogue Warrior, 1992

"It's like the goddam South Bronx," Jew said. "Every street is another gang's turf."
   Richard Marcinko, Rogue Warrior, 1992

If we'd been murderers, it would have been a slaughter. The Lebanese guards were asleep, the Marines were inside, and the embassy security detail was a joke. Even Egyptians would have done a better job.
   Richard Marcinko, Rogue Warrior, 1992

But most of the agents recruited by CIA overseas are, to put it bluntly (and kindly), scumbags.
   Richard Marcinko, Designation Gold, 1994

In fact, we were perceived as a more dangerous threat than the real terrorists. Why? Because, when we penetrated a base's security (and we always did), the can't cunts in charge took it personally. Instead of learning from us, they took our report and our suggestions, round-filed 'em, and breathed huge sighs of relief when our plane was finally wheels up. They believed, you see, that their fitreps would suffer because of Red Cell. And bad fitreps mean no promotions. And in today's Navy, promotion is more important than counterterrorism, right?
   Richard Marcinko, Designation Gold, 1994

You've probably heard it all before -- the French insisting -- loudly -- that theirs is the finest culture, the best food and wine, the richest language, the most imaginative arts and letters; indeed, most French will even stipulate, in writing, that the best of everything is French.
But let me tell you a secret: deep down in their Frogs souls, the French know they are inferior to the United States. Despite Renoir, Monet, or Toulouse-Lautrec; Racine, Molière, Voltaire, or Albert Camus; triple-crème, truffles, or Château Trotanoy, they are a third-rate power. And despite the Fox network, Chicken McNuggets, and plonk wine in boxes, we are a superpower. More evidence? Okay -- we have not become a nation of Francophiles. When's the last time you had a Kronenbourg beer and a side of foie gras at the Horse Shoe Curve (or whatever the name of your local watering hole may be)? But in the last two decades -- from le Big Mac to les jeans Levi's to le Diet Coke, to le bière Budweiser, they have adopted our culture and lifestyle at the sacrifice of their own.
   Richard Marcinko, Designation Gold, 1994

"I don't mean to suggest anyone advocates a return to the old Cold War", Lantos said, his eyes narrowing. "That would be a disaster -- for everyone. But many, and this includes high officials within your White House, your State Department, and your intelligence apparatus, realize that without another superpower on which to focus their attention, American policy has become ambiguous, vague, and garbled."
Well, friends, as much as I hate to admit it, old Werner has a point. Our foreign policy has become ambiguous, vague, and and garbled. But the reason wasn't the one he argued -- i. e. because we lacked another superpower to offset us. The reason is that the current administration lacks focus in foreign affairs. We do not lead these days -- we merely coast from crisis to crisis. And that vacuum of leadership is dangerous.
   Richard Marcinko, Designation Gold, 1994

The concept of dying for your buddy is quite foreign to most young people today. Today's kids seldom get to meet people who are actually willing to lay down their lives for their teammates. But this isn't the time or place to start a monologue on the sorry state of our national condition.
   Richard Marcinko, Detachment Bravo, 2001

We love the South. (...) Because, you know, they're not politically correct. That's what I love about them.
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

That's one thing you can say about Americans: They TAKE a LOT of SHIT!
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

Don't you miss the days when America was just *morally* bankrupt?
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

You know, Osama bin Laden once said that one of his "goals" for al-Quaeda was to bankrupt America. Well, sorry, big guy, a Jew named Madoff beat you to it. You know, ... right? Like, we did it to ourselves! (...) Like Bernie Madoff. This kills me. People say "Where did all the money go?". I tell you where the money went. It never existed in the first place. Because America doesn't make anything anymore. That's the little secret about our economy. What have we done lately? (male voice from the audience: "War!"). War! ... and snuggies! Right? It's what we make: bullshit! Snuggies, and shamwas, flobees, and bedazzlers, and boner pills, and botox, and fucking ... you know, pizza with cheese in the crust.
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

We have to spend this money anyway. 'cause, this economy fell *apart* in the last thirty years! Ever since they started giving all the money to the top 1%, the roads, the bridges, the infrastructure, the electrical, health care, the environment, it all went to SHIT!
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

(about president Obama:) He is the maid after Led Zeppelin has been in the room. You know what I mean? Wow!
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

But the right-wing, they just HATE it when I call them stupid. It just bugs them like you cannot believe! I don't WISH America was stupid, but it *IS* stupid! But those are *two* thoughts, that's one more than they can really handle.
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

(about Americans:) Highlights include ... electing the cowboy from Toy Story twice.
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

We love the troops like Michael Vick loves dogs.
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

When America invades a country, we love you long time! We leave like Irish relatives: not at all!
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

Now, we all love Michael Jackson, but it's so ridiculous how America is obsessed with finding out WHAT KILLED MICHAEL JACKSON! Put his doctor on trial! We need to get to the bottom of this! How COULD a CONSTANTLY ANESTHETIZED drug-addicted noseless skeleton have slipped away from us so suddenly? Oh America! I could never leave you, you amaze me! You are like my dog: dumb as a puss, but you make me laugh! I just have a different view of health than main-stream America, people know this. Michael Jackson's autopsy report: it said he was in good health. To me ... he looked a little pale!
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

So just let me answer a couple of criticisms that were levelled at me for making this infamia 'cause I think they were bullshit. And the first one was: "Oh, Bill, you are such a meanie, why do you go after religion? It gives people comfort, it doesn't hurt anything." Oh, well, other than most wars, the Crusades, the inquisition, 911, arranged marriages to minors, blowing up girls' schools, the suppression of women and homosexuals, fatwas, ethnic cleansing, honor-rape, human sacrifices, burning witches, suicide bombing, condoning slavery, and the systematic FUCKING of CHILDREN ... there's a few little things ... that I have a problem with.
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

(about Replicans being able to fill a stadium:) Like the Superdome during Katrina. They filled that one!
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

On the bright side, it's good seeing Republicans fucking women again.
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

Why do men cheat? (...) They want sex! And not just sex, they want NEW sex! The way women want new shoes.
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

When I make a joke about Obama, I'm not making a joke about all black people, as well as when I make a joke about Bush, it wasn't a swipe at all retarded people.
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

When did "dumb" become synonymous with "real American"?
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

(about Arizona State University:) It's a party mill. It's a football school. You know, when strippers say "I'm working myself through college", THAT is the college!
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

What does Rush Limbaugh do for a living? He scares white men as they get to their truck for lunch!
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

Hillary! You know, oohoo, if you can demonize Hillary, you are good. A blander centrist you will never meet. Che Guevara in a pants suit she is not! If you hate Hillary, you were molested by a real estate lady or something.
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

Arizona doesn't have capitalism yet. (...) They're still curing people with moonshine and leeches down there!
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

THAT's the problem in America: the supposed progressive party is in bed with the same opportunists as the other clowns.
   Bill Maher, But I'm Not Wrong, 2010

My idea is to give Gaddafi Afghanistan. They need a strong man, he needs a country, because what are we trying to do in Afghanistan? Kill rebels, that's what he wants to do.
   Bill Maher, Overtime, Episode 219, 2011

One man's cynicism is another man's realism.
   Bill Maher, Overtime, Episode 237, 2012

40% of Americans are obese. He's got 40% of the vote locked up.
   Steve Moore, about a possible presidential run of NJ governor Chris Christie, Overtime, Episode 238, 2012

We needed Michael Jackson here on earth. but God needed him more.
   Stevie Wonder, during Michael Jackson funeral memorial, 2009

The perfect is the enemy of the good.
   Voltaire

But we can't afford to make perfect the enemy of the absolutely necessary.
   Barack Obama

They pick corn in Iowa, they actually pick presidents here in New Hampsire.
   Jon Huntsman, CBS, Dec 29, 2011

I have signed this bill despite having serious reservations.
   Barack Obama, signing statement for NDAA bill, Dec 31, 2011

(I have spent) the better part of the week in prayer and just saying: "God, show me something", and I share with you, some things I'll share with you. I think he showed me about the next president, but I'm not supposed to talk about that. So I'll leave you in the dark. (...) I think I know who it's gonna be.
   TV Evangelist Pat Robertson, CBN, Jan 3, 2012

They're very similar. Christian faith and the Alien movie, they're very similar.
   Eddie Izzard, Full Circle, 2000

In Buddhism Jesus is Buddha's buddy-brother Benny.
   Eddie Izzard, Full Circle, 2000

That's why I don't swing with Christianity. It's just this 65 million year gap.
   Eddie Izzard, Full Circle, 2000

Sister: He proposed to Noreen after their first date.
Friday: Sounds impulsive.
Sister: No. No. He's an accountant. You know, plans everything five steps ahead.
   The Cutting the Swath, LA Dragnet, March 2, 2003

There's only one way to describe a woman like this. But it's not in my vocabulary. First she lies, then she needs a change of clothes, and we're there baby-sitting.
   Friday, The Cutting the Swath, LA Dragnet, March 2, 2003

Friday: Doesn't look like a PI.
Smith: More like a Bond girl.
   Friday and Smith, The Artful Dodger, LA Dragnet, March 16, 2003

16year-olds don't confide.
   Friday, Sticks and Stones, LA Dragnet, March 30, 2003

Police chief: A man can get married and not know his fiancee is a hooker.
Friday: If you say so.
   Police Chief and Friday, Redemption, LA Dragnet, April 6, 2003

Full scholarships: Stanford doesn't hand out any full rights for good grades. Either he was some kind of an all-star athlete, or he grew up in a lower tax bracket.
   Friday, For Whom the Whistle Blows, LA Dragnet, April 27, 2003

Some believe the Santa Anas make people crazy. Depression, suicide, murder. The hot dry air blows, they say anything can happen. But they forget this is L. A. Anything happens anyway.
   Friday, Coyote, LA Dragnet, October 11, 2003

Murder of a murderer -- jury will never convict. Go for a plea.
   Friday, to Deputy District Attorney Chang, in: Coyote, LA Dragnet, October 11, 2003

You went out for a certain level of insanity when dealing with an innovator.
   artist, in: The Magic Bullet, LA Dragnet, October 25, 2003

I'm tired of all this honesty.
   Friday, Abduction, LA Dragnet, April 21, 2004

I had seen that before. A cop realizing that a case isn't always solved by catching a killer. It's about convicting the truly guilty.
   Friday, Frame of Mind, LA Dragnet, April 28, 2004

Duran: It's not gonna be easy to get a warrant. Nothing ties her but attitude.
Friday: The Feds are all over this. She's a muslim, a fundamentalist. Phone records, we'll get them.
   Duran and Friday, Retribution, LA Dragnet, May 5, 2004

It's always 'those people': the people who are different than us, and vilified because of it. What I saw in the rent-a-cop's eyes I saw in Peter Radic and Miriam Nelson: hatred, masked under the guise of faith.
   Friday, Retribution, LA Dragnet, May 5, 2004

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
   Benjamin Franklin

An informed citizen is the only true repository of the American will
   Thomas Jefferson

Perseverance and determination alone are omnipotent.
   Calvin Coolidge

I reject that number completely, that people die in America because of lack of health insurance. People die in America because people die in America.
   Rick Santorum, December 5, 2011

Injustice to anyone is a threat to justice for everyone.
   Martin Luther King

When everyone thinks alike, everyone is likely to be wrong.
   Humphrey Neill, The Art of Contrary Thinking

For almost two centuries, Spain has hosted an enormously popular Christmas lottery. Based on payout, it is the biggest lottery in the world and nearly all Spaniards play. In the mid 1970s, a Spanish man sought a ticket with the last two digits ending in 48. He found the ticket, bought it, and then won the lottery. When asked why he was so intent on finding that number, he replied, "I dreamed of the number seven for seven straight nights. And 7 times 7 is 48.
   Michael Mauboussin, How to think about Outcomes - Past, Present, Future

Nobody is stronger than a man who can harness his emotions.
   Act of Valor, 2012

We are a nation of dummies, we ARE! Don't wanna learn new shit, our education system stinks! We really do need to revamp our education system! It doesn't work! It does -- not -- work! That's why we have shows "Are you smarter than a fifth-grader?", you know, how piss-poor is that? And I haven't seen anyone win!
   Wanda Sykes, I'm a Be Me, 2009

We need to just revamp our education system. Cause, you know, we don't LEARN anything! You know, it's not comprehension, it's just retention, it's just rote! That's it! We never geddit! We just keep it long enough to spit it back out, pass the test, and we get rid of THAT shit! Right?
   Wanda Sykes, I'm a Be Me, 2009

But the thing is, you know, everyone is speculating how he died and waiting for the toxicology report. How did Michael die? I mean, what is there to speculate about? Michael Jackson died because of Michael Jackson! He had Michael Jackson! He had it for the longest time!
   Wanda Sykes, I'm a Be Me, 2009

RS: When you marginalize faith in America, when you remove our pillar of God-given rights, then what's left ...
Spectator: Communism!
RS: ... is the French Revolution. What's left in France became the guillotine!
   Rick Santorum, February 10, 2012

Did you see that debate? Mitt came out SWINGING! Which is weird, because when I think of swinging I think of Newt Gingrich. And when I think of coming out I think of Rick Santorum. Now, look, I don't want to get political. But Rick Santorum? I mean, this is the thing about the Republican Party, not to be partisan! But watching this entire last year that they have been running for president, I have come away with a revelation. There is no bottom! No, I thought Dan Quayle was the bottom twenty years ago. I thought, they never find someone stupider than this. But no, then a Mr. George DoubleYou Bush steps forward, a Miss Sarah Palin emerges, a Michelle Bachmann, a Rick Perry, ah, really, the front-runner of the Republican Party is ... Little Ricky Santorum? The Jesus freak in the sweater vest is ... the guy who has the recurring dream about Jesus putting sunblock on his chest? And this says a lot about the Republicans I think: three of the candidates this year claimed that Gold told them to run. And Rick Santorum was not one of them. Seriously, three of them said: "God told me to run."
   Bill Maher, Crazy Stupid Politics, 2012

Newt Gingrich? The fat turd from the 90s?
   Bill Maher, Crazy Stupid Politics, 2012

Let's review this. Let's review the people so far who have led poor Mitt Romney. Donald Trump. Donald Trump who ran as this great businessman -- his casinos went bankrupt! The only business where people give you money for nothing! Choctaw Indians can make this work! Ok, so this brilliant Donald Trump, he went away. Then they went to Michelle Bachman, for people who find Sarah Palin too intellectual.
   Bill Maher, Crazy Stupid Politics, 2012

Newt Gingrich, the man with the moral compass of an opportunistic infection was the front-runner in the party of family values!
   Bill Maher, Crazy Stupid Politics, 2012

(People say:) How did things get so bad in Washington? OK, I tell you how: Information-free, knowledge-challenged, brain-dead amateurs got elected by people just like them.
   Bill Maher, Crazy Stupid Politics, 2012

... not as closely as some of the most ardent fans, but I have some great friends that are NASCAR team owners.
   Mitt Romney, about NASCAR, Feb 25, 2012

... every major American law firm needs a supply of consummate second lieutenants.
   Rachel Gold, in: Michael Kahn, Due Diligence, 1995

Your typical suburban cop couldn't find his own asshole with a map.
   Flo, in: Michael Kahn, Due Diligence, 1995

It was, I had to admit, a credible performance. But then again, I reminded myself, lawyers are paid to sound credible. That's what we do for a living. We manipulate judges, lawyers, people in general, clients -- especially clients. The best lawyers are masters of manipulation, with skills more akin to those of sorcerers. (...) All of which made this discussion even more awkward, given the subject matter and the disparity of our ages. It was like interrogating Walter Cronkite on his favorite masturbation technique. (...) But then again, given some of the scenarios in my nastier divorce cases, what seemed preposterous often proved genuine.
   Rachel Gold, in: Michael Kahn, Sheer Gall, 1996

Jacki hasn't been a law student long enough to become cynical. (...) I, on the other hand, have been a lawyer long enough to be cynical.
   Rachel Gold, in: Michael Kahn, Sheer Gall, 1996

Porno is a fourteen-billion-dollar-a-year industry in this country. Let me give you a sense of scale, Rache. Fourteen billion dollars exceeds the revenues of professional football, basketball, and baseball combined. Combined. We're bigger than baseball, Mom, and apple pie. We have twenty times the revenue of the entire Broadway theater industry. Consumers spend more money on porno movies than they do on regular movies. (...) I'll tell you what's even more remarkable. The corporate CEOs and board members wo vote straight Republican and grow misty-eyes over family values are the same CEOs and board members whose companies happen to be the biggest players in the porno industry. Who do you think owns the cable and sattelite TV franchises and the in-room hotel movie systems that rake in all that money from those X-rated pay-per-view movies and porno networks? Fortune Five Hundred companies, that's who. And guess wo owns big chunks of their stocke? Pension funds. And that means that Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Public from Peoria are going to retire in comfort someday on the money they've made off movies that would make Deep Throat seem like a Walt Disney production. (...) The greatest source of revenue in this country is old-fashioned hypocrisy. And me? I'm just a bit player in this mad circus -- just an independent filmmaker in southern Illinois.
   Harry Silver, in: Michael Kahn, Trophy Widow, 2002

If you were selling sauteed racoons' assholes on a stick, Americans would buy them and eat them, especially if you dip them in butter and put a little salsa on them. This country is big time pig time!
   George Carlin, 2008, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLRQvK2-iqQ

The *worst* thing about living in a house of five girls is: *I* always have to clean the *toilet*. Cause Emma and Victoria don't think know how to clean toilets. Cause their moms do all that for them when they get home.
   Mel B, in: Raw Spice: The Unofficial Story Of The Making Of The Spice Girls, 2001

After this much excitement, it was time for a funny story, so here goes. "You may remember that my father, George Romney, was president of an automobile company called American Motors...and they had a factory in Michigan...he decided to close the factory in Michigan and move all the production to Wisconsin. Now, later, he decided to run for Governor of Michigan..and I recall at one parade, where he was going down the streets, he was led by a band...and his band did not know the Michigan fight song. It only knew how to play the Wisconsin fight song. So every time they would start playing "On Wisconsin! On Wisconsin!", my Dad's political people would jump up and down and try to get them to stop because they didn't want people in Michigan to be reminded that my Dad had moved production to Wisconsin."
   Mitt Romney, March 28, 2012

We must view with profound respect the infinite capacity of the human mind to resist the introduction of useful knowledge.
   Thomas Lounsbury

Scratch any cynic, and you'll find a disappointed idealist.
   George Carlin

Germany has lost the Second World War, fascism won it.
   George Carlin

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
   Liam Case, Hero Wanted, 2008

Redemption: it's a funny thing, sometimes you have to go through hell to get it.
   Liam Case, Hero Wanted, 2008

Sometimes things worth dying for are worth living for.
   Liam Case, Hero Wanted, 2008

I just remind conservative commentators that for years we've heard that the biggest problem is judicial activism or a lack of judicial restraint. That an unelected group of people would somehow overturn a duly constituted and passed law. Well, this is a good example. And I'm pretty confident that this court will recognize that and not take that step.
   Barack Obama, April 2, 2012

The Coal Industry is not far behind with respect to what happened to Osama bin Laden. The Navy Seals shot Osama bin Laden in Pakistan and Lisa Jackson shot us in the Washington. So there you go.
   Cecil Roberts, President of United Mine Workers of America, about Lisa Jackson, Administrator of the EPA, April 3, 2012

Take a hypothetical husband and wife who are both lawyers ... the woman takes time off, raises kids, is not go go go ... The husband is making 200 grand a year, the woman is making 40 grand a year. It wasn't discrimination. There was a different sense of urgency in each person ... you could argue that money is more important for men.
   State Senator Glenn Grothman, about gender discrimination in America, April 7, 2012

... that's why we've got the best universities and colleges in the world.
   Barack Obama, April 18, 2012

When you think about what made us an economic superpower, it's because we had the best educated workforce.
   Barack Obama, in: Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, April 24, 2012

This ain't anything like university. You got do things you don't like.
   The Great St. Louis Bank Robbery, 1958

Facebook on Friday went public making the company worth an estimated 104 billion dollars -- though I don't know if you can really put a price tag on watching your high school friends slowly get fatter.
   Seth Meyers, in: Saturday Night Live, May 19, 2012

What's that accent? You are German, right? Well, let me tell you something about American customer service.
   American Tourist, Far Cry, 2008

These Germans can get emotional.
   American Tourist, Far Cry, 2008

You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity.
   So Close, 2002

She has exactly the same birthday as you. No wonder she is so intelligent.
   Chen Ai Quan (or Sue), So Close, 2002

Look at you. You are cute when you are stupid.
   So Close, 2002

We are in Italy, speak English!
   Handsome Rob, Italian Job, 2003

If there is one thing that I know, there's never to mess with mother nature, mother-in-laws, mother-fucking Ukranians!
   Skinny Pete, Italian Job, 2003

What do we do? Start arresting people!
   Police Chief, The Thomas Crown Affair, 1999

If you got nothing to hide, don't act like you *totally* do!
   Tak, Battleground, 2012

Did we not learn math before we started working at McDonald's?
   Jordan, in: Hold the Whipped Cream, Battleground, Feb 28, 2012

When you fall in love with someone you hand that person an ax.
   Cole, in: Polls Close at Six, Battleground, Mar 20, 2012

A dysfunctional family is still a family.
   Tak's father, in: It's Getting Ugly, Tak, Battleground, Apr 10, 2012

Women and campaigns feel like they need to work harder to prove something. You wanna be heard, wear a tighter dress.
   Tak, in: Flashback, Battleground, Apr 17, 2012

FK: What do you think matters most for a good marriage?
GK: A short memory!
FK: Why did you get married, papa?
GK: I can't remember. So I could have you.
   Frida Kahlo and Guillermo Kahlo, in: Frida, 2002

I'd rather have an intelligent enemy than a stupid friend.
   Frida, 2002

Dying is not the hard part. It's knowing that your life doesn't belong to you and your death has an exact time and date takes all the mystery out of it.
   Lester McKenna, in: Half Past Dead, 2002

You're a woman, Ellen, which means you know we don't like to wait.
   "Queen Bitch" 49er Six, in: Half Past Dead, 2002

SP: I'm undercover. FBI.
NP: But you passed a lie-detector test!
SP: That's nothing man, anybody can do that.
   Sascha Petrosevitch and Nick Frazier, in: Half Past Dead, 2002

SP: But you don't believe in marriage.
PW: I have had three wives already.
SP: Exactly!
   Sascha Petrosevitch and Prison Warden, in: Half Past Dead, 2002

This night club is so dead, it's like in a fucking morgue! Except, there's more bodies there!
   Chicago Bartender, name withheld, 2012

You just can't replace talent.
   Hal Needham, Cannonball Run, on DVD commentary

AR: This is Nevada at this point.
HN: You can be any kind of cop.
   Albert Ruddy and Hal Needham, Cannonball Run, on DVD commentary

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.
   H. P. Lovecraft, The Call of Cthulhu, The Horror in Clay, Weird Tales, 1926

Amateurs train until they get it right. Professionals train until they don't get it wrong.
   Julia Pounds, Ph.D., FAA Human Factors Research Lab, 2006

We oppose the teaching of ... critical thinking skills ...
   2012 Republican Party of Texas Report of Platform Committee, 2012

The American People probably aren't going to fall in love with Mitt Romney.
   Speaker of the House, Rep. John Boehner, June 2012

I drove a Mustang and a Chevy pick-up truck. Anne drives a couple of Cadillacs actually.
   Mitt Romney, Feb 24, 2012

I know that people in this room are probably doing relatively well ... but not everyone in America is doing so well right now. ... The waiters and waitresses that come in and out of this room and offer us refreshments, they are not having a good year.
   Mitt Romney, Jul 16, 2012

Americans -- no, I don't think much of Americans; they're too hard for me -- spend a lot of money on their own pleasure, and sometimes cut a dash with a big donation, where they think it will be properly trumpeted. But they haven't got warm hearts. I don't care for Americans.
   Mr. Sharnall, in: John Meade Falkner, The Nebuly Coat, 1903

Believe it or not, there is a similarity between sex and the ILS approach. Not only can each be performed with mechanical movements learned by rote, but experience teaches that -- in both cases -- the most successful are those who have learned to execute these procedures with finesse and a certain delicate touch.(...) So you see, flying the cross-pointers is sort of like sex. Each requires the proper mental attitude, a soft touch, and the ability to put it all together (meaning the localizer, the glideslope, and the ILS bull's eye, of course).
   Barry Schiff, The Proficient Pilot, Flying the ILS, 1985

Congress is not even being minimally competent, today. So, our behavior is shameful in many, many respects.
   Rep. Jim Cooper, Democrat, Tennessee, Patriocracy, 2012

And I hate to say this, but I also think that something terribly horrific has to happen, either psychologically or financially, or, whatever, for the American People to say "this politics as usual can't go on the way it's been going on."
   Ken Rudin, Political Commentator, National Public Radio, Patriocracy, 2012

It's so stupid, it's positively brilliant.
   Lieutenant Andy 'Mac' MacDonald RAF, The Great Escape, 1963

Death gives you perspective.
   Terminal Cancer Patient, Flight, 2012

My son just graduated from college this year, and he's making way more selling cell phones for Verizon than he ever could as a teacher. And while I'm glad he's not in my pocket anymore, I mean, something's wrong when selling cell phones is more important to our society than being a teacher.
   Mark Bounds, Deputy Superintendent for Education Quality, South Carolina, American Teacher, 2012

Lester was pleased with the bonds. His had been fifty thousand for the murder of Monroe Bowie. Of course, Bowie was black, and bonds were generally lower for those cases.
   John Grisham, The A Time To Kill, 1989

Ozzie was on their side, the side of law and order, the prosecution's side. It was not his job to help the defense. Proves you can't trust a nigger, thought Buckley. They fake up for each other when they know they're guilty.
   John Grisham, The A Time To Kill, 1989

Bankers have an innate fear of courtrooms, and Jake admired his friend for overcoming this paranoia and attending the hearing. In doing so, he became the first banker in the history of Ford County to voluntarily appear in the courtroom without a subpoena while court was in session. Jake was proud of him.
   John Grisham, The A Time To Kill, 1989

This was Mississippi, where for years whites shot blacks for any reason or no reason and no one cared; where whites raped blacks and it was considered sport; where blacks were hanged for fighting back. And now a black father had killed two white men who raped his daughter, and faced the gas chamber for something that thirty years earlier would have gone unnoticed had he been white.
   John Grisham, The A Time To Kill, 1989

The council members were silent. This Jew had a lot of nerve. The only white man in the group and he was on the attack.
   John Grisham, The A Time To Kill, 1989

"He will finish at Harvard in two months and will graduate with honors. He's an associate editor of the Harvard Law Review." This made an impression, Mitch could tell. "He did his undergraduate work at Western Kentucky, where he graduated summa cum laude." This was not quite as impressive. "He also played football for four years, starting as quarterback his junior year." Now they were really impressed. A few appeared to be in awe, as if staring at Joe Namath.
   Lambert, in: John Grisham, The Firm, 1991

L: Most good lawyers can work eight or nine hours a day and bill twelve. It's called padding. It's not exactly fair to the client, but it's something everybody does. The great firms have been built by padding files. It's the name of the game.
M: Sounds unethical.
L: So is ambulance chasing by plaintiff's lawyers. It's unethical for a dope lawyer to take his fee in cash if he has a reason to believe the money is dirty. A lot of things are unethical. What about the doctor who sees a hundred Medicare patients a day? Or the one who performs unnecessary surgery? Some of the most unethical people I've met have been my own clients. It's easy to pad a file when your client is a multimillionaire who wants to screw the government and wants you to do it legally. We all do it. (...) Believe me Mitch, after you've been with us a year you'll know how to work ten hours and bill twice that much. It's sort of a sixth sense lawyers acquire. (...) Then after you practice for six months you realize we're nothing but hired guns. Mouthpieces for sale to the highest bidder, available to anybody, any crook, any sleazebag with enough money to pay our outrageous fees. Nothing shocks you. It's supposed to be an honorable profession, but you'll meet so many crooked lawyers you'll want to quit and find an honest job. Yeah, Mitch, you'll get cynical. And it's sad, really. (...) The money makes up for it. It's amazing how much drudgery you can endure at two hundred thousand a year.
   Lamar and Mitch, in: John Grisham, The Firm, 1991

She avoided the double-talk and legal lingo most students strive so desperately for. She would never make it as an attorney employed by the United States Government.
   John Grisham, The Pelican Brief, 1993

For lack of a better job description, Cleve was known as a runner. He ran cases for Wendall Rohr. Cleve's task was to find good, solid death and injury claims and make sure they found their way to Rohr's office. Good running was an art form, and of course Cleve was a fine runner because Rohr would have nothing but the best. Like all good runners, Cleve moved in shadowy circles because the soliciting of clients was still technically an unethical practice, though any decent car wreck would attract more runners than emergency personnel. In fact, Cleve's business card pronounced him to be an "Investigator".
   John Grisham, Runaway Jury, 1996

The problem is everyone is willing to compromise. That's the problem with the institution of marriage. It's BASED on compromise, even through its dissolution.
   Miles Massey, Intolerable Cruelty, 2003

Sarah: Why don't you come out to Malibu and see my new beach house tomorrow?
Friend: I didn't know Dimitri had a beach house.
Sarah: Neither did I, until my lawyer found it. What a paper trail. Hid it in the dog's name.
   Sarah and Friend, Intolerable Cruelty, 2003

Sarah, one husband at a time!
   Marylin Hamilton, Intolerable Cruelty, 2003

I have to admit I don't like living alone. I mean, do I need 46 rooms? (...) Telling you honey, getting laid is financial Russian Roulette.

   Marylin Hamilton, Intolerable Cruelty, 2003

No, Cliff Calhoun was a poet. He grossed -- what? -- 15, 20 dollars a year for his work.
   Jim Rockford, The Rockford Files, The Dark and Bloody Ground, Sep 20, 1974

I'm a private cop, I'm practically required to drink on the job.
   Jim Rockford, The Rockford Files, The Dexter Crisis, Nov 8, 1974

If I was on fire, I wouldn't hire him to throw water. We DON'T GET ALONG!
   Jim Rockford, The Rockford Files, The Dexter Crisis, Nov 8, 1974

You're honest, dependable, and an ex-con. That's what I need. Someone I can depend on.
   Joline Highland, The Rockford Files, Caledonia, It's Worth a Fortune, Nov 15, 1974

I hired you because of your prison record. I thought you're a man I can trust.
   Joline Highland, The Rockford Files, Caledonia, It's Worth a Fortune, Nov 15, 1974

JR: Joline, do you know what you do?
JH: What?
JR: You apologize. All the time!
JH: I do?
JR: Yeah!
JH: I'm sorry!
   Jim Rockford and Joline Highland, The Rockford Files, Caledonia, It's Worth a Fortune, Nov 15, 1974

When I'm involved things just seem to go wrong. Take Jerry for example. All of his life he was a VERY successful man. Until he married me. Now look at him!
   Joline Highland, The Rockford Files, Caledonia, It's Worth a Fortune, Nov 15, 1974

VT: Oh, don't worry, nudes are very difficult.
JR: Yeah to tell you the truth, it's the first one I've ever had trouble with.
   Valery Thompson and Jim Rockford, The Rockford Files, Counter Gambit, Jan 17, 1975

The secret to good cooking is concentration. And you're a distraction.
   Valery Thompson, The Rockford Files, Counter Gambit, Jan 17, 1975

Mark Twain wrote that 'a pilot must have a memory developed to absolute perfection, but there are two higher qualifications [that] he also must have. He must have a good and quick judgment and decision, and a cool, calm courage that no peril can shake.' Twain was not writing of airplane pilots but of men who steereed Mississippi sternwheelers that often attained the terrifying speef of 14 mph.
   Army Air Force's Student's Manual for the BT-13

No, I really like L.A., but I feel like I'll save it for when I'll, like, have a mid-life crisis or something.
   Tavi Gevinson, in: Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Feb 2, 2013

You know there's five basic contaminants to every crime scene. I skip to the worst one: the cops!
   Lincoln Rhyme, The Bone Collector, 1999

Personally I think that we in the media are one element within an evolutionary process, which has more to do with the psyche of a whole nation.
   Philip Noyce, on DVD commentary, in: The Bone Collector, 1999

A society that has a strongly defined set of values, that recognizes clearly what is right and what is wrong, has little to fear from violent images on a screen. The question for America is: has this nation evolved to that point?
   Philip Noyce, on DVD commentary, in: The Bone Collector, 1999

In spite of what many women may think, men's brains are not in the penises. So when a woman turns me on, my head becomes a giant swollen penis.
   British quadriplegic patient, 1999.

If you're not confused, you don't know what's going on.
   Francis Austin McQuire/Rory Devaney, The Devil's Own, 1997

It was great to be Catholic and go to confession. You could start over every week.
   Calogero 'C' Anello, A Bronx Tale, 1993

Gangsters have this thing about flowers. Whoever sends the biggest arrangement cares the most.
   Calogero 'C' Anello, A Bronx Tale, 1993

I'm not a psychopath, Anderson. I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.
   Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, 2012

Brainy's the new sexy.
   Irene Adler, Sherlock Holmes, 2012

He'll outlive God trying to have the last word.
   Dr. John Watson, Sherlock Holmes, 2012

I dislike being outnumbered. It makes for too much stupidity in the room.
   Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, 2012

Please don't feel obligated to tell me that was remarkable or amazing. John's expressed that thought in every possible variant available to the English language.
   Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, 2012

But sentiment, sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side.
   Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock Holmes, 2012

The Jewish lobby intimidates a lot of people. (...) I'm not an Israeli senator, I'm a United States senator.
   Senator Chuck Hagel, interview with Aaron David Miller, 2006

I know this has been some of the conventional wisdom that's been floating around Washington, that, somehow, even though most people agree that I'm being reasonable, that most people agree I'm presenting a fair deal, the fact that they don't take it, means that I should, somehow, you know, do a Jedi mind-melt with these folks and convince them to do what's right.
   President Barack Obama, Mar 1, 2013

In America you have a right to be stupid.
   Vice President Joe Biden, Feb 26, 2013

Good Americans usually die young on the battlefield, don't they? (...) 'course, he was a Harvard undergraduate, that might make it justifiable homicide.
   Brandon, Rope, 1948

I mean, living with another animal, whether it be a husband or a dog, is GREAT! You know, it's, it's lovely to have someone to LOVE! I don't mean sex. What it's CALLED it only matters at all.
   Jeremy Irons, HuffPost Interview, 2013

Does a bear shit in the woods? H2A has a gold blade server give away more entry points than a college girl on Mardi Gras.
   Miles Haley, in: Perfect Stranger, 2007

The pleasure of the feminine. And remember: there are only two things without limit: femininity and the *means* to exploit it!
   Amanda, in: Nikita, 1990

TB: I didn't want to let you know, because, as I said to you, I don't want to trouble you with my difficulties. And what did you say to me?
JS: I said, now I know you're really not Jewish.
TB: Noooooo, what you said to me, what Jon said when I said I don't want to trouble you with my difficulties, he said: you cannot be Jewish. If I had gas, I would trouble you with my difficulties.
   Tom Brokaw and Jon Stewart, in: The Daily Show, May 12, 2015

Oooohhhhhhhhh! I see what's happening. Once you announce you're running you're not allowed to coordinate with your SuperPAC. So you have to tell people, the voters, you're NOR running! Huh! I guess it's better to run for President and pretend you're NOT, than to illegally coordinate with your SuperPAC, and pretend you're NOT. Because the first rule of politics is: you can lie to PEOPLE, but don't ever lie to your MONEY!
   Jon Stewart, in: The Daily Show, May 14, 2015

The University of Nebraska pays our football coach more money in a year than my entire science budget.
   Dr. Stonehill, in: Extraordinary Measures

RS: You think I'm crazy?
ED: No, no I'm not.
RS: And if I say I'm not crazy, ... well, that hardly helps, does it? There's a Kaffkaesque genius of it! People tell the world you're crazy. And as long as you protest to the contrary you just confirm what they're saying.
ED: I'm not following you, I'm sorry.
RS: Once you're declared insane, then anything you do is called part of that insanity. Reasonable protests are denial, valid fears paranoia.
ED: Survival instincts are supposed to be defense mechanisms.
RS: You're smarter than you look, marshal. This probably not a good thing.
   Rachel Solando and Eddie Daniels, in: Shutter Island, 2010

I'm very proud of the Jews. It seems we're not getting into much of trouble these days. In the world we're doing well. We don't mind if you draw us or draw our gods -- and we SHOULD mind, because any accurate drawing of a Jewish person is INHERENTLY ant-semitic. A perfect drawing of me is like Nazi propaganda.
   Judd Apatow, in: Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, July 20, 2015

You wanna live in India or you wanna live in Texas?
   Rick Perry, in: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, November 8, 2010

Ahmedinejad is Hitler? I think he may take that as a compliment.
   Jon Stewart, in: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, November 23, 2010

How strange, in our own time, to hear Christianity spoken of as some sort of backward and oppressive force.
   Jeb Bush

EK: You're not even interested in serial killers.
RR: True, I find them unimaginative and *woefully* predictable.
   Elizabeth Keen und Raymond Reddington, in: Blacklist, Season 2, Episode 13, The Deer Hunter (No. 93)

Remarkable Statistics:

In World War I the percentage of civilians killed was 10%.
In World War II the percentage of civilians killed was over 50%.
In the Vietnam War the percentage of civilians killed was over 70%.
In the Iraq War the percentage of civilians killed was over 90%.

2009 statistic: 61% of Americans agreed with the statement: Religion solves all or most of my problems.

2009 statistic: 1 out of 4 Americans believe that Jesus will return to Earth in their life-time.

Rush Limbaugh has married 4 times.

Jerry Lee Lewis has married 7 times.

Jean-Claude van Damme has married 5 times.

Charlie Chaplin has married 4 times, had 12 official children from 3 of his 4 wives, at least 1 child out of wedlock, and had 13 confirmed relationships.

1/3 of all US divorces are facebook-divorces.

April 2012: The latest statistics released by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimate that autism spectrum disorder increased by 23 percent from 2006 to 2008 to include nearly one in 88 children.

March 2013: 33% of America has non-alcoholic fatty liver disease.

April 2013: 100 million Americas suffer from brain diseases.

Stephen Colbert Super PAC has more Texas donors than Mitt Romney's

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